LDR – Helping you go the distance for the one you l\ove.

train station, couple, traveling-3169964.jpg

Pros and Cons of an LDR

On May 17, 2023

So you’ve met someone who’s pretty darn incredible, in fact, so incredible, that you have started to do something you’d never thought you would do – consider getting into a long-distance relationship (LDR).

Or maybe you and your partner suddenly have 10 000 miles and 12 hours between you. Despite the distance, I’m here to assure you that it’s not all doom and gloom. Actually, I might convince you that your relationship is going to get stronger than ever!

There is a lot of emphasis on the cons of an LDR but as I’ve personally experienced, I want to share that being in an LDR can in fact be significantly more rewarding than a regular relationship. Looking forward to the benefits but being aware of the cons of an LDR is a great foundation for chartering into unknown territory and beginning this new chapter in your life.

Here are 4 pros and cons of getting into an LDR.

Pros of a Long-Distance Relationship:

Personal Growth and Independence

Being able to maintain a sense of individual self and independence is absolutely key for any relationship, yet it’s something that people in regular relationships seriously struggle with. One of the significant advantages of an LDR is the opportunity for personal individual growth. When couples are physically apart, individuals are able to focus on themselves, pursue personal interests, spend more time with friends and family and develop their individuality. The requirement to compromise on your plans for your partner is significantly reduced. The result? The feeling of complete liberty whilst still being in a loving relationship. From my experience, it is truly the best of both worlds – feeling a strong sense of singlehood while knowing you fundamentally have your other half behind you. I cannot understate how rewarding this is!

Stronger Emotional Connection:

A lack of physical proximity means that couples in LDRs thrive on strong emotional connections. More often than not, when couples in long-distance relationships spend time together, they are actually talking to each other, via text, a phone call or a video call. I am actually inclined to believe that couples in long-distance relationships speak to each other more than couples in regular relationships. In fact, this was certainly the case for me. When my boyfriend and I lived in the same country we would really only speak to each other three or four times a week on date nights. And this too was distracted time, we were either out exposed to lots of different stimuli or at home, multi-tasking with something else. Once we began an LDR, for the first time in a while, we had 3-4 hours of pure, undistracted conversation. Just us two, in each of our rooms, looking and speaking with only one another through video calls. We truly got to know the core of each other better than ever and it was so beautiful to experience that.

Being in an LDR means you have the opportunity to communicate better than ever, leading to a deeper understanding of one another’s thoughts, feelings and aspirations. This helps maintain greater levels of intimacy in your relationships.

Shared Goals, Clarity and Commitment

The decision to get into and maintain an LDR means that a couple is committed to their relationship in spite of the circumstances. Accepting the unconventional circumstances means that the couple must have some clarity over what their relationship is – something increasingly uncommon in today’s world! A couple in an LDR likely has a shared vision and is committed to working towards a longer-term end goal. Feeling the strong sense of patient commitment from your partner towards your shared vision truly strengthens a couple.

When I was considering an long-distance relationship with my boyfriend, I was lucky enough to chance upon a guy who had been doing an LDR with his girlfriend for two years. I asked him about how he survives in an LDR, and was expecting an exasperated response back. Instead, he replied very cool and calm. He said that he knows that the two years of distance was very temporary in comparison to the rest of their lives they were going to spend together. Now that’s some perspective! He also said that he knew that they had the same end goal and that each of them was fully committed to that… I had never heard someone speak so securely about their relationship. I instantly turned from a non-believer to a believer. I wish you all could have been there to speak to him too. But since you can’t, take it from me, an LDR is absolutely nothing on a couple that is truly committed to being together.

Better Sex

Maybe the best sex of your life. First, there’s the pent-up sexual desire for each other that creates magic when finally unleashed. Secondly, I find that being in an LDR actually trains you to be a better partner in bed. Being physically unable to have sex means you have to get creative with the with the teasing, with the communication, with the performances, with the toys… I’ll stop here. But essentially, being regularly forced to put in extra effort into phone sex will likely train you into putting extra effort into actual sex – a little more foreplay, a little more dirty talk – the result? Better sex!

Cons of Long-Distance Relationships:

Limited Physical Intimacy

Physical intimacy is certainly one of the major perks of being in a relationship, so not having access to that is certainly a bummer. Actually, a bummer is an understatement. Physical intimacy fulfils a fundamental need for most individuals and the lack of this can translate to feelings of loneliness and longingness. The absence of regular physical contact, like the hugs, cuddles or simply just being around each other can foster a sense of emptiness and strain a relationship. Overcoming this absence will require creativity and trial and error. In my own case, a teddy bear went a long way in feeling like I wasn’t alone in bed every night. As crazy as it sounds, Bear (yes, that’s his name), provided me with companionship. However, ultimately, any individual in a long-distance relationship needs to train themselves to spend large amounts of time alone without feeling lonely.

Missing Special Moments

My boyfriend recently celebrated his birthday, thousands of miles away from me. We video-called the first thing that morning and the urge to be right there with him to shower him with birthday love was so strong and thus so upsetting. He then had a dinner with a dozen of his friends, and I can’t tell you how much I wished I could be there, sharing in the joy and celebration. I can never get over the disappointment of missing out on joyous and celebrity occasions. Nonetheless, there are ways to feel like you’ve contributed to the special day even if when you’re miles away. Sending letters or gifts and organizing events or surprises are must-dos to feel like you’re part of the day! Have your partner or a friend record their reactions to your acts so you can see how you’ve contributed to their day.

Limited Shared Experiences

This is the downside of having all that independence and time for yourself. You go and pursue your interests and your partner goes and pursues theirs, but you rarely share these experiences together. As each of you grow and evolve independently, you might find that you end up growing into people very different from the other. In a lot of ways, this is great – polarity is important in a relationship. But with a limited understanding of your partner’s lived experiences, couples might soon find that they’ve become just way too different from the other!

A while ago, I went on a life-changing trip with unforgettable experiences that transformed my notions and attitudes to a lot of things. These new thoughts became a source of tension in my relationship because my boyfriend could not understand how I felt. I reminded myself that I had to be patient with him and put in effort to help him understand, without being forceful about it. I found that sharing and having him read books that were important to me helped a lot. Additionally, we are lucky enough to be able to go on a similar trip together in the near future – so the possibility of recreating experiences is always there!

Ultimately though, I believe that thoughts, beliefs, attitudes and notions are fickle – they come and go, often at rapid speeds. Hence it’s important to not place too much emphasis on these ever-changing qualities. Instead, place emphasis on your and your partner’s values. Values are constant. As long as your and your partner’s values are in alignment, you shouldn’t worry too much about little differences between yourselves.

Logistics

Long-distance relationships can quickly become an additional expense due to travel costs. Depending on how regularly you visit each other, you may start to feel a financial strain. Additionally, taking leave from work can be a major obstacle. If you are using your vacation days, it can be disappointing to have to use them on regular visits and sacrifice a nice holiday. Additionally, dealing with time zone differences can really get tough amidst busy schedules. Setting priorities and expectations is key to avoiding frustration with each other. Always keep each other updated on your schedules and try your best to honour your promises.

Conclusion

Rather than viewing distance as an obstacle to your relationship, I encourage you to view it as an opportunity – to learn independence, cement commitment and master communication.

Don’t let distance be the reason for you letting go of a special person. Give it a go and put a 100% of your heart into loving your partner and overcoming the circumstances. And remember, DO NOT be turned away from an LDR because other couples around you failed or tell you that, ‘long-distance relationship never works’. Each couple is different, and you have to go into it wholly believing that it will work out for you.

Coping with Loneliness in a Long Distance Relationship

By Author

On May 20, 2023

In Uncategorized

For a lot of people, getting into a relationship is a relief from loneliness. Thus, it tends to become a bit of a problem when, to your surprise, you begin to find yourself experiencing feelings of loneliness. This doesn’t necessarily mean there’s anything wrong with your relationship with your partner. Your feelings of loneliness may just be arising because of the very human need for physical presence. Besides the active companionship that partners provide, most simply look forward to just having someone around them. For instance, laying around the house on a Sunday afternoon, spending the evening silently watching a movie and of course, sharing a bed. When this isn’t possible, its necessary to find ways to cope with the creeping loneliness.

Here are a few tips that might help you with that!

Recognize Your Feelings

Step one is always acknowledging how you are feeling and getting to the root of why you feel that way. Don’t try and suppress the feelings, instead, embrace them. Whenever you catch yourself feeling a little lonely, slow down, and take a few moments to really think about how you feel. Once you understand your feelings, you will be well equipped to tackle them. In addition, remember that you absolutely have the power to overcome the feelings! So don’t fear the feelings, feel overwhelmed or discouraged. Whenever you note the lonely feelings, just take it as a cue to be proactive and take action to manage them!

Establish a Communication Routine

When your partner and yourself live in the same city, it becomes natural for you to have a routine for seeing each other. Perhaps you live together and will definitely see each other every night. Or you meet for a run every Monday. Or every Friday is date night! Either way, regular couples never have to wonder when they’ll get to speak to or see their partner. It shouldn’t be any different for couples in an LDR. Establishing a communication routine provides a sense of security and can alleviate some of the uncertainty that comes with distance. You never have to wonder when you get to speak to your partner, and thus the feeling like you have no one to speak (and resulting loneliness) is eliminated. This is especially important for couples with busy schedules that may not always be available on their phones. In addition, always keep each other updated on your schedules. If either of you have a packed day, remember to mention it so neither of you have to wonder when the other will respond to a text or a phone call.

Emotional Connection

Because a physical connection is not possible, you really need to put in every effort to maximise your emotional connection. During your phone calls, share the details of your day and tell them how these incidents made you feel. Express your feelings and fears, be vulnerable. Listen actively and be empathetic. This means your call time with your partner should be distraction free! Not a phone call you take on the train or while you’re busy cooking a meal. Always remind yourself that the phone call is not just part of your daily routine, instead, it’s a time to be intentional and present with your partner. Putting in the effort to be present is absolutely key to a thriving emotional connection.

Change Your Perspective

Loneliness can be emotionally draining, but it helps a lot to view being alone as an opportunity rather than a punishment. Anytime you note that you are feeling lonely, instead of feeling upset about it, try and change your perspective on it. Think of all the good your loneliness represents. It represents your independence and self-sufficiency. It represents your ability to focus on personal growth. It represents your freedom. It could represent lots of different things for different people. So take the time to reflect about all the good that is associated with your loneliness. But for a lot of us, most of all, our loneliness represents our love. That the love between you and your partner was so strong that you were willing to go the distance for each other.

Trust me on this, you need to change your perspective on the loneliness. Because it will come, and you can’t avoid it, you can only embrace and make the most of it.

Keep Yourself Engaged

Being in an LDR likely means you have a little more time than regular couples. It could mean empty Friday nights or Sunday mornings. These moments, when you’re alone at home and not doing much, are prime moments for the loneliness to kick in. So making sure you’re active and engaged can help a lot with preventing the feelings of loneliness from coming in. You could volunteer, create a fitness routine or pick up a new hobby. It could also be a relaxing time for self-care. Putting in the effort to build meaningful activities into your weekly schedule is one of the best things you can do for yourself during an LDR. It takes a while to find something you like and really make a habit of it so don’t be discouraged if you’re having trouble with making a new activity a routine. Just keep taking the initiative to try new things. Who knows, you might end up with a hobby that completely changes your life!

Build a Supportive Network

Friends and family are an absolute lifeline in an LDR. Maintaining an active social life is important in ensuring you get your required share of meaningful physical human interaction. Amidst busy schedules (or even just laziness and complacency), spending time with friends and family can often take a back seat. Hence, it’s important to be proactive and make the effort to initiate time spent with friends and family. Being a part of nurturing community will really help to fill a lot of the voids associated with living away from your partner.

Conclusion

Managing loneliness in an LDR definitely requires proactive work, so be ready to put in the effort to see the results! However, I really encourage you to try your best to put in the effort. More often than not, the loneliness arises from the situation, not your relationship with your partner. Hence, don’t let it be the reason why your relationship doesn’t work out. All relationships require effort to make things work so an LDR is no different.